Remembering Konner

Yesterday marked the 2nd year since the loss of our Angel, Konner. I'd like to take a moment to thank him for touching our lives even though he was only with me/us for such a short time.

I'll never forget the dream I had before he was ever conceived. I knew I would have a son, and I knew his name would be Konner William. I'll never forget the day we found out we were pregnant, or the first time I saw that little bean on the U/S screen. I'll never forget the first time I felt him flutter, or the first time he gave me a swift kick. And I'll never forget the day we found out the sexes - I told the dr before he even checked, that there was at least one boy in there - and his name was Konner.

I'll never forget that christmas morning when we rushed to the hospital. And I'll never forget the dr telling us they wouldn't be able to hold back labor very long. I had several ultrasounds over the next 18 hours, so I had many chances to see my boys. I was able to bring in my family, so that they could also see them before it was too late. So that they could see them alive, and playing inside me where they were supposed to be safe.

And I remember seeing you flip and change positions with Kyle on the ultrasound screen. All the drs were confused, but inside I knew what was happening. And then you got stuck, you couldn't break free - and I remember every last kick, every one. And as the final hours came, I made the drs promise me that they wouldn't give me any medicine to dull my senses, or risk losing you or your brother. Although deep down I knew these were my last moments with you.

I remember the very second you were born, and the silence in the room. I hated the silence, I wanted to hear you, hold you, and love you. And as the minutes passed, I finally knew that you were gone. Your daddy returned to my side and kissed me on the head, and I knew. You had given your life, to save your brothers. What greater sacrifice could be given in the world. You were not supposed to flip, you were not supposed to be born that soon, and you were not supposed to die. But my little angel that I later held in my arms was gone.

I love you more than I can even describe, and I thank you for watching over Kyle. I believe deep inside that you were there with him those early days and weeks when it was so unlikely that he would live. And I believe you are there with him know, encouraging him to overcome his challenges. You are part of him, and he is part of you. You are both loved, and part of us.

I will never forget you, my beautiful angel.

Love Mommy.